Conflict Resolution 101 || Tips, Tricks & Advice

I love looking into human behavior, speech patterns and actions. They tell a lot about people and basically demonstrate their inner selves. After doing some communication study last year, this year and in my own free time I’ve compiled an easy go-to guide for resolving conflict and what to do if it doesn’t work out very well. Please enjoy!

In this post I’ll explain and give examples of what to do, things to avoid, things to look out for and how to deal with the uncooperative. I’ve created a worksheet you can use here! conflict resolution

What started the conflict? 

Was it a behavior, an emotion, a situation? understand what actually happened and take the time to reflect on that. Could it have been avoided, if so, how? What would lessen the impact? What triggered it? Are you making assumptions and reading too deeply into something that isn’t there? Were you just having a bad day when it happened? These are the things you need to know before confronting the person/s at hand of the situation. This can take an hour to a month to actually realise everything. Take your time.

What are the facts?

This is important, if you don’t have actual facts or evidence then you don’t have any grounds to work on or do anything with. Detach your emotions away from the facts and compile them in a list. So instead of, “I feel like….” you look into it as “it happened like this….” and so on. Take absolutely every emotion out of the facts, that comes in later and can destroy any facts you have. Assumptions and accusations are not facts so they fall under emotions. Using the above, take the facts out of that and you’ll be amazed that there is either more to the conflict or less to the conflict. Also, take the time to look at the things you have done wrong in this situation, not just the  other person/s, it’s important to take responsibility for your actions.

What are the emotions?

Now this is when your emotions are important. Look at the facts and understand how you feel about them and look at how the other person would feel about them. Conflict resolution isn’t just about you and your side, it’s their side too. So you could work with something like “When this happened I felt …… and I understand you would have felt …. “. This might sound complicated, but don’t assume how they felt. Look at their behaviour around you and/or the situation and you can pick it up from there. Don’t make your feelings invalid, they matter just as much as the other persons.

Are there any solutions?

You can’t resolve conflict without having a few solutions up your sleeve, this also involves working with the other person/s. Is there a way it can be avoided in the future? What’s the best way to go about it? Do you know the other person well enough to know how they would deal with it? Ask yourself what you want as a solution and figure out how to present it. Using things like “I think this can be avoided by …. what do you think?” or “I have a few solutions for the situation and I want to know your thoughts on them ….” Never confront without having solutions. Never.

What if….?

Okay, so what if they aren’t the type of person you can reason with and get them to understand things? That one is hard. You really have to change your approach in a way that can’t be twisted or create miscommunication. If they don’t want to see your side, still give it to them. They might not listen now but sometimes in the future, people realise things and that might be one of them. Sometimes these people need more time to handle things or more time to reflect on themselves and change for the better.

Taking responsibility for yourself

Always take responsibility for yourself and be mature about these things. Nothing good ever comes from ignoring people, avoiding people and not being a decent person. It’s important to know where you stuffed up and realise that maybe what you did isn’t okay and ignoring it won’t make it go away. If the other person isn’t taking responsibility for themselves, don;t force them or guilt them. Over time, people realise what went wrong and will sometimes try and fix these things. It doesn’t always go that way, but if you did what you could, that’s all that matters.

Now let’s put it all together!

This is the fun/scary/anxious/terrifying part, the time that you actual confront them. There’s 2 ways of doing this. The first way is to be a gigantic asshole about it, and the second way is to form a logical and constructive ‘argument’ that gets your point across assertively whilst being nice.

Starting off with a “Do you have time to talk about what happened?” or “There’s a few things I want to discuss with you, if you’re feeling up to it” can be a good start. You show your intentions without causing more conflict.

Then jump into the facts. “This is what happened from my side and I’d like to see your side of the facts” or “I understand that this this and this happened, I contributed to this by …. and I know you contributed to this by …. what is your side of the facts?” are a good template to formulate the discussion from.

Bring in your emotions now. “It made me feel like …. when …. happened.” or “I didn’t appreciate you doing …. and I don’t understand why….” or “I just feel like ….. when you do this and I don’t like it”. You could do this part in so many ways but be careful not to be an asshole. It’s also important to ask them how they felt, “How did that make you feel when I did ….” or “How would you feel if I did the things you did to me, to you?” or something like that. Make sure you actually listen and acknowledge the other person/s feelings and thoughts. If the conflict isn’t over, you haven’t listened to each other or accepted each others side.

Almost at the end now! Bring in your solutions. “I thought a great way of dealing with this is ….” or “In the future a great way to avoid this is …”. Be reasonable, don’t ask for a lot but also don’t expect a lot. There’s only so much you can do depending on the situation. You’re just making it easier on yourself and the other person. You don’t even have to like the other person, just dealing with that conflict will make you more mentally healthy (trust me on that, mentally healthy people don’t hold grudges or hold things against people).

Last but not least, ask them what their thoughts are at the end and explain yours. Are you happy that it was discussed in length? What would you change? Is there anything you can do for each other that works? Even tell each other about how resolved the situation actually is. It’s healthy to talk about these things with the actual person/s involved than to pressure it onto someone else.

Don’t do these during conflict resolution: 

  • Yell or scream
  • Make accusations without having evidence
  • Assume
  • Choose how the other person is feeling
  • Bring others into the situation that aren’t in the facts
  • Discredit the feelings and thoughts of the other person
  • Lie
  • Guilt
  • Shame
  • Name call
  • Be unapproachable

Do these during conflict resolution:

  • Ask for feedback
  • Value the emotions and thoughts
  • Offer ideas
  • Be honest
  • Understand all perspectives
  • Try and find positives
  • Support each other whilst doing it
  • Have someone else in the room or screen shot messages to prevent miscommunication, lying or false story telling
  • Listen to each other
  • Be assertive but polite

 

I hope this may have helped, it’s very hard to get into the habit of doing but it can be an advantage.  I honestly believe conflict resolution should be a skill everyone should be taught. It worth writing all of the parts of this down and even having it on you at the time you choose to talk to the person/s involved in the situation. As easy as it can be to shut the other person/s off and ignore their side, it’s important to know it and take it in. It’s how we grow as people. If people don’t understand or don’t try to, let it go and forget about them. Sometimes they do the work of cutting themselves of for you. 

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My Favourite ’13 Reasons Why’ Quotes

I love quotes, I think they can explain the things you cannot. For me, 13 reasons why spoke to my soul so I thought I’d share my favourite quotes. You can check out my other posts regarding the show/book further down the blog!

“You don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but your own. And when you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can’t be that precise and selective. When you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re messing with their entire life. Everything. . . affects everything.”

“No one knows for certain how much impact they have on the lives of other people. Oftentimes, we have no clue. Yet we push it just the same.”

“I wanted people to trust me, despite anything they’d heard. And more than that, I wanted them to know me. Not the stuff they thought they knew about me. No, the real me. I wanted them to get past the rumors. To see beyond the relationships I once had, or maybe still had but that they didn’t agree with.”

“You can hear rumors. But you can’t know them.”

“But sometimes there’s nothing left to do but move on.”

“Normally when a person has a stellar image another person’s waiting in the wings to tear them apart. They’re waiting for that one fatal flaw to expose itself.”

“When you hold people up for ridicule, you have to take responsibility when other people act on it.”

“But I need to wake up somehow. Or maybe not. Maybe it’s best to get through the day half-asleep. Maybe that’s the only way to get through today.”

“If you could hear other people’s thoughts, you’d overhear things that are true as well as things that are completely random. And you wouldn’t know one from the other. It’d drive you insane. What’s true? What’s not? A million ideas, but what do they mean?”

“Because I’ve heard so many stories that I don’t know which one is the most popular. But I do know which is the least popular. The truth.”

“And at some point, the struggle becomes too much-too tiring-and you consider letting go. Allowing tragedy… or whatever… to happen.”

“And what about you-the rest of you-did you notice the scars you left behind? No. Probably not. Because most of them can’t be seen with the naked eye”

“Maybe it’s not as important to you as it was for me, but that’s not for you to decide.”

“Everything about it was false. Right then, in that office, with the realization that no one knew the truth about my life, my thoughts about the world were shaken.”

“I didn’t humiliate him by pointing it out because that’s not how you treat friends. You don’t judge them. You don’t humiliate them. I bet he’s been judging me all along.”

“It’s important to be aware of how we treat others. Even though someone appears to shrug off a sideways comment or to not be affected by a rumor, it’s impossible to know everything else going on in that person’s life, how we might be adding to his/her pain. People do have an impact on the lives of others; that’s undeniable.”

“And what about you-the rest of you-did you notice the scars you left behind? No. Probably not.”

“Now, why would a dead girl lie?
Hey! That sounds like a joke. Why would a dead girl lie? Answer: Because she can’t stand up.”

Taking Responsibility For Your Life

Being an adult is all about taking responsibility for yourself and not being a shitty person. Through all my traumatic events in life the biggest one I've dealt with is the need to take responsibility for myself and making sure others take responsibility for themselves. You learn quite a lot about yourself when you start taking responsibility for yourself.

A lot of people find it easier to have a go and rip into people who have nothing to do with their own situation, just because it's easier to throw accusations and your anger out on others than dealing with your own problems. This says a lot about a person, how they deal with their problems and anger. If you're finding yourself doing the above, it means you lack emotional intelligence and you'd be surprised how many people lack it. It can be hard to change your attitude and look at your emotions differently but once you get the hang of it, you'll notice drastic changes in yourself and how you deal with things.

Take time to reflect on every time you've blamed someone else for something going wrong in your life, why did you blame them? Did they walk into that chapter of your life and it felt fitting? It's important to acknowledge our downfalls in life and deal with them accordingly.

I've also learnt a huge part of taking responsibility of your life is not holding grudges. It's kind of like drinking poison and hoping the other person is affected by the side effects. It does nothing but create a toxic environment for yourself and you're pretty much just digging yourself a huge hole. Forgiving someone brings you a level of peace you need to function with in life, you don't need to do it for them, but for yourself.

Knowing when enough is enough and drawing a line for your inner peace is super important in taking responsibility for your own life. You do things for you. You're allowed to be selfish in the regard, you need to do what you can to maintain happiness and peace in yourself. Living life being anything but happy is so hard and complicated, and as someone currently seeing a psychologist, I know how important it is to realise my own emotions and the affects of everything going on in my life. This leads me to my next point…

Taking control and seeing a psychologist when you need to is super important also. Sometimes, we don't know the actual affects of something that's happened to us unless we talk about it. Speaking to someone outside of your family and normal life is create for this. Finding a great psychologist that suits you is an important step in the right direction. Taking control of those feelings and situations and learning how to take the edge off of them can really add a lot of positivity to your life. It adds a layer to your life you didn't even know you had.

Self reflection is the key to success is taking responsibility for yourself. I like to use the Gibbs Reflective Cycle which you can read about here. That way, you can empty out the entire situation or emotion completely and figure out if there's anything you can or could have done and then deal with that. If you can reflect and challenge yourself regularly, you'll improve and get yourself into a healthy habit for life.

Having constant short term and long term goals can keep you focused and on the right path for success. You'll find the happiest people are those that create and achieve their goals on a regular basis. Creating goals can be exhausting trying to figure out what it is you want to achieve but that's all part of the feeling of success, realising what it is exactly that you want to do with your life. Those who do nothing with their lives that just live Day to day are usually the most unsatisfied with life. Take control!

Apologise for the important things, no matter how big or little it is, take control of how you treat people. Let them know when you've done wrong by them, and if they've done wrong by you they may just apologise back. Even if they don't, don't worry about that. Knowing you're the bigger person to apologise is super important. Super important seems to be my favourite phrase for this post.

As I return into my nursing studies for semester 2 in a months time, I've scheduled multiple posts (including this one) to be published so expect quite a few posts coming up! But the time this post is published, I will be studying.

Quotes For Everyday And Every Situation

I love quotes, I use them all the time. In my diary, for my Facebook statuses, for Instagram posts, everything! So here's some personal favourites! These are quotes for literally any occasion and you'll be surprised how much quotes actually inspire you to change…

These are quotes I've found over the years and they really do help!

“You don't have to knock anyone off their game to win yours. It doesn’t build you up to tear others down.”

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

"Don't project your insecurities on other people, take responsibility for yourself"

"Excuses don't get results"

“You Learn More From Failure Than From Success. Don’t Let It Stop You. Failure Builds Character.”

"Push yourself, because no one else is going to do it for you"

"Good things come to people who wait, but better things come to those who go out and get them"

"If it doesn't challenge you, it won't change you"

"Don't wait for an opportunity, create it"

"I can and I will"

"Stars can't shine without darkness"

"You can't open a new chapter if you keep re-reading the past"

"A tiger does not lose sleep over the opinions of sheep"

"Weak people seek revenge, strong people forgive and intelligent people ignore"

"You are amazing and don't you forget it"

"Live life to the fullest and focus on the positive"

"One day or day one, you choose"

"Dreams and dedication are a powerful combination"

"Happiness is found when you stop comparing yourself to other people"

"Do things on your own and don't fear being alone"

"Grow through what you go through"

"Be strong but not rude, be kind but not weak, be humble but not timid and be proud but not arrogant"

"Stay positive, work hard and make it happen"

"Be the type of person you want to meet"

"Don't ruin a good today by thinking of a bad yesterday"

"Do not judge my story on the chapter you walked into"

"It hurts more to hold a grudge than to forgive. The anger inside damages us, nobody else."

"I don't hold grudges, you just become irrelevant"

"If people are trying to bring you down, it means you're above them"

"It's so nice when toxic people stop talking to you, it's like the trash took itself out"

"Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out"

"Take pride in how far you've come, and have faith in how far you can go"

"A little progress each day adds up to big results"

"Do all that you can and all that you thought you could not"

"Your best accomplishment isn't that you finished, it's that you had the courage to start"

Gibbs Reflective Cycle

If you’ve never heard of it before, it’s a life saver! It’s a great reflective tool that can be used for a variety of things, such as arguments, embarrassing moments, failing, bullying etc etc. This has helped me out a lot as it’s kind of like manually thinking, you really have to think deeply and write it all down. This is all one continuous cycle so you can repeat the process as much as you need.

This is a great coping strategy for all of life’s stressful moments and over thinking. It gets your feelings out and in the open for you to deal with as you please.

So here we go….

Description 

What happened? Go into as much or as little detail as you need about what exactly happened.

Feelings

What were you feeling and thinking? What went through your mind as it unfolded, how does it affect you?

Evaluation

What was good and bad about the experience? Go through the pros and cons of what happened, you may find more things laying on the inside than on the surface of what happened.

Analysis

What else can you make of the situation? Is there something underlying the issue? How will it affect you long term?

Conclusion 

What else could you have done? Could you have been more honest? Could you have gone about the situation differently?

Action Plan

If it rose again what would you do? How would you deal with it next time? What changes would you make? How would you change your thinking?

There’s plenty of videos on Youtube if you need an example of how to do this! I’d give an example but I’m sure you can see how personal this activity is…

I hope this has helped you deal with any situations or give you ideas for in the future. Stay tuned for more reflective exercises coming soon!

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Songs That Get Me Through The Hard Days

Today I'm sharing with you some of the songs I listen to when I'm having a hard day, and the specific lyric that speaks to me. I've also linked the songs so have a listen!

Never be the same by Crowded House
Listen here!
"But we might still survive
And rise up through the maze
If you could change your life
And never be the same"

Mixed up by Hannah Montana
Listen here!
"To hold me, tell me everything's gonna be okay
'Cause today it feels like I won't make it through the darkness
Don't know how to get outta this"

Life's what you make it by Hannah Montana
Listen here!
"With a new attitude everything can change
Make it how you want it to be
Stay mad, why do that? Give yourself a break
Laugh about it and you'll see"

Nobody wants to by Crowded House
Listen here!
"And we're losing some faith
We used to cry
We used to say why
For all I know
I might not get home
But I found out
If we opened it up, we could work this out"

The devil you know by Split Enz
Listen here!
"Live for the day we throw caution to the wind
All we need is the courage to begin
I might get hurt but never be scared again
At once to feel the pleasure and the pain"

You get what you give by New Radicals
Listen here!
"This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget
We only get what we give"

Shot at the night by The Killers
Listen here!
"Once in a lifetime, the breaking of the roof
To find that our home, has long been out grown
Draw me a life line, 'cause honey I got nothing to lose
Once in a lifetime"

Shine by Vanessa Amorosi
Listen here!
"Grow up and make the best of what you've got
Of what you've got,
Of what you've got
The days are going by and you're sittin' on your arse
And you're wondering why, why, why, yeah"

Feel by Robbie Williams
Listen here!
"I just wanna feel
Real love feel the home that I live in
'Cause I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
I don't wanna die
But I ain't keen on living either"

Dreams by Van Halen
Listen here!
"Standing on broken dreams
Never losin' sight, ah
Spread your wings
We'll get higher and higher
Straight up we'll climb
We'll get higher and higher
Leave it all behind"

Better by The Screaming Jets
Listen here!
"Now you can see the reason why not everyone's the same
And you don't have to please them, or try hard to save your name"

On a mission by Gabriella Cilmi
Listen here!
"I'm gonna lay it on the line
I won't give up without a fight
'Cause I can see the finish line
Won't stop till I make you mine
To read the writing on the wall
I'm ready here and standing tall
So people think they know it all
So I guess I'll have to show them all"

The climb by Miley Cyrus
Listen here!
"The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going"

love that lets go by Hannah Montana
Listen here!
"It's time to move on and even though I'm not ready
I've got to be strong and trust where you're heading
Even though it's not easy
Right now the right kind of love
Is a love that lets go, go"

Scream by Michael Jackson & Janet Jackson
Listen here!
"Tired of injustice
Tired of the schemes
Your lies are disgusting
What does it mean
Kicking me down
I gotta get up
As jacked as it sounds
The whole system sucks"

This is who I am by Vanessa Amorosi
Listen here!
"but then I learnt, after being burnt
to get back up and push straight on
stop the tears people move on, on"

Love this life by Crowded House
Listen here!
"Pedal my faith
The wheels are still turning round, turn round
And maybe the day will come
When you'll never have to feel no pain
After all my complaining
Gonna love this life"

Don't stop now by Crowded House
Listen here!
"Sometimes you have to turn the wrong way round
Sometimes you get too close to nowhere now"

That's freedom by John Farnham
Listen here!
"It's a song of the heart
A race in the wind
A light in the dark
That's freedom"

Don't let the sun go down on me by Elton John
Listen here!
"Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I searched myself, it's always someone else I see
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me"

As the days go by Daryl Braithwaite
Listen here!
"Sure as the wind keeps on changing direction
I've come to understand, there's no such a thing as perfection
And what went on before
Doesn't matter anymore"

Lift by Shannon Noll
Listen here!
"'Cause I know how hard it can get
But you gotta lift
You gotta lift
And sometimes that's how it is
But I know you're stronger
Stronger than this
You gotta lift
You gotta lift"

These are the songs I felt were the most important to include, let me know your thoughts and songs that get you through your hard days.

Gratitude || How-To

“Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” -Melody Beattie

Sometimes we need to be bring our feet back on the ground and realise all the things we have, compared to what we don’t. Practicing gratitude is so important for that reason, it keeps you grounded.

Most of the time, let’s be honest, we focus on the negatives in our life and in affect, some of us blame other people for the problems in our lives. That’s why today I present to you easy ways to practice gratitude.

Create a list

Each morning, or every few mornings, take the time to write down everything that you already have. This can be loved ones, friends, a roof over you head, food on your table etc etc you get the picture.

Imagine the things you have

This is self explanatory, instead of writing it down you just literally think about them. Picture the roof over your head, picture yourself eating etc etc.

Let people know

Tell the people around you what you’re grateful of, and that you’re grateful that person is in your life and what your reasons are.


My gratitude list

I’m thankful that…
I have a roof over my head every night
I have food to eat every day
I can afford to continue doing my hobby
I’m studying the course to gain the job of my dreams
I have a job to earn money
I have an extremely supportive family
I have the kind of friends I’ve always wanted
I can wear my favourite style of clothing and not be judged
I can share my hobby with the world
I have constant support and help
I experienced bullying, so that I now choose very selectively the people around me and I know when people are negative/toxic to me
I experienced death, that way I knew what it means to be alive and understand not to take people for granted
I experienced (and continue to) mental illness so that I can further my understanding of people and myself

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