“It’s a bit like walking down a long, dark corridor never knowing when the light will turn on”
On Google, depression is defined as feelings of severe despondency and dejection but to me, depression is having a life but not knowing how to live. I was heavily depressed for just over 2 years and what I experienced was not actual living, just to put it lightly. I fought this ‘invisible’ battle every day not knowing when it would end. Not knowing completely why it was happening to me. Not even knowing a great detail about it. It was heavy, like constant dark stormy day; over and over and over again. I’d celebrate even just getting out of bed every day and managing to eat something.
Why am I writing this? Well, I still have depression, only it’s a minor form of it. My therapist explained to me recently about my own depression in a way no one else ever did. She told me how brave I was (and still am) and how one of the main reasons I can’t get over certain things is because when I was vulnerable I let people who didn’t matter hammer false ideas into my own head about myself. I was bullied horrifically for the most part of my heavy depression and it still affects me to this day in certain ways. (I will go into detail on the bullying in a future post). Things that have stuck with me is the idea that I’m weak, that I can’t let myself get fat, and that I have to be someone I’m not in the eyes of those people. I’m not sticking to this part of the topic, this just helps lead me into the complete reason I’m writing this. I recently found the journal I kept when I was heavily depressed, I didn’t fill it out every day but I did add bits and pieces a lot. Reading some pages of it I realised how dark of a place depression is. It was almost like someone else wrote it, it didn’t even feel like I wrote it!
I never found a blog that catered exactly to how I was feeling, it got me thinking. Depression feels different in everyone, yet somehow the same in a sense. I learnt I wasn’t the only one who went from feeling anxious, nervous, angry, sad and happy in one day to feeling absolutely nothing the next. I felt so abnormal for how I was feeling, like I was invalid for being this way and that I personally chose to be like that. This is when I realised how rampant negative stigma was towards depression. If you break a leg, you go to the hospital to get fixed up then for around 6 or more weeks you have people around you asking if you’re okay, if you need any help; but with depression, everyone backs away. They don’t often ask if you’re okay, they don’t ask if they can do anything for you, people are honestly afraid of things they don’t know. I found I had less people around me when I was depressed, compared to when I wasn’t.
There are so many topics I want to cover here but I will leave them for other posts, the main idea of this post was to explain what depression is, and truth is I still can’t tell you what it is. Words defeat me when I’m trying to explain what depression is. What I will tell you about depression is, it’s one dark house that you wonder aimlessly hoping to get somewhere; while having your eyes closed and your brain leaving the building.
To sum up this post and to end on a positive note, depression cannot truly be defined yet will be felt by most people, but there is, and always will be, light at the end of the tunnel.
-Thanks for stopping by-
-More posts going into detail in depression to come-