Depression, or any mental illness at that, is incredibly hard. It’s almost like a key that unlocks any subconscious voices you ever had and virtually unleashes a hell in your head. This is something that people don’t get if they have never experienced depression.
Every negative thought that ever crossed my mind in my entire life kind of just flooded in. I told myself I was fat all the time, that no one liked me, that I shouldn’t even be alive, that it’s my fault so many bad things have happened, that I’m destined to be like this for the rest of my life and so on. The thing is, since recovering from depression I’ve become a more sensitive version of how I used to be. Whether that’s good or bad I don’t know.
A lot happened to me when I was depressed, I lost just over 15kg from not eating often (I lived on soft drink and still managed to lose weight) but it wasn’t on purpose, I just felt like…I couldn’t be bothered eating. I had the most drastic mood swings I’ve ever had in my entire life, I went from crying to feeling nothing to having this deep anger and rage in me. I couldn’t do anything about it, I couldn’t control how I was feeling and I think that made it worse. I couldn’t control anything in my life during that time so I guess when I started recovering and becoming stronger on the inside, I took TOTAL control of everything in my life. Everything. I removed people and blocked them on social networks, I made sure only certain people knew certain things.
I still have many hesitations with people since. (During the worst of my depression I was bullied and harassed/abused horribly by some people) and basically, whenever I make friends with people I can usually figure out straight away now if they are a threat to the inner peace I’ve built for myself. I’ve really learned to use my intuition when it comes to people and events, and it’s been right so far.
Depression changed me into really valuing my inner peace and removing those who I think will affect it or who have affect it. You can usually tell if you’ve affected my inner peace, I won’t talk as much to the person and will generally kind of….stay away. My inner peace is everything, it guides me to where I am and where I’m going. Unfortunately, when you’ve been depressed it becomes automatic to think of the negatives of something over any positives and it’s very hard to break that habit. I’m still trying to break it and it’s so much work to do, but it’s worth it. I’ve learned to really appreciate my mental health more and be more understanding of people; it’s even helped lead me to my future career.
Depression taught me to look at things differently, to make sure who I’m around and who I have contact with are not negative, that people who have fucked me over don’t get any information on me.
I’ve also learned that you simply can’t tell someone they need to see a counsellor, you can’t do it. You can’t tell someone what you’d recommend them, the only time you could ever say this to someone if you’re a close friend to them, but if you aren’t and don’t really understand how someone really is, then don’t do it. Just….don’t…..
Like many people, self harm and suicide coincide with depression. There were so many times I wanted to end my life and attempted once. Depression changed my thought on that, I used to think it was selfish and wrong but since I’ve been there I know how desperate you are to kind of just…end how you’re feeling (or not feeling). I learned to appreciate life and everything in it. Journals became my friend in recovery!
To some this all up – I’ve basically learnt what real happiness is, what real sadness is, what’s realistic compared to irrational, how to be me, how to recover, what I need and want in life.
Depression changes you, and the life around you. You will be okay, no matter what.
Image courtesy of google images!
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