It’s easy for someone who didn’t go through something like this to simply tell you to “stop thinking about it”, or for a bystander to tell you to “stop thinking about it”. Some things can’t be overly forgotten, and do carry on in your life for years to come. We have to be real about bullying. It affects so many people, in so many ways. If you don’t go through it you won’t understand how someone goes through it. In saying that, people deal with it differently. For me, talking about it and writing about it helps. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to get over it straight away.
Do you know what you actually did? The amount of long term damage you’ve caused? Because if you did, you wouldn’t have done it; but that’s debatable when looking through all the sadistic things that happened. I want you to hold responsibility for your actions, I know vaguely of things that have happened since graduating high school, even the part where one of you tried to add me into your unhealthy delusions by going around telling people I supposedly said something malicious to you at a party, which is rather laughable because; why would I put myself out like that?
After everything that happened, you are half responsible for my PTSD diagnosis. After year 12, I couldn’t leave my house without fearing that I’d see one of you, that for some reason I had to try and impress you, I couldn’t bring myself to connect with females to make friends, that I couldn’t go a day without thinking about it, that I started thinking that everyone was out to get me, that I had to control what everyone knows about me and what people see. I had to attempt to rebuild my entire self after everything that happened. During year 12 I attempted suicide, not just because of the absolute sadness I felt for losing my pa, but because of how hopeless you made me feel, like my life didn’t matter; if it had of been successful I assure you you would have found yourself in a court room.
I still got up and went to school the next day, still being bullied by you all and being punished for living. Why did you do all this? Because the boy you all loved liked me and not you. Do you really think that’s healthy? To take your jealousy and anger out on me? It didn’t make any of you look better.
Suicide is hard, when you’re in that place it feels like the darkest deepest hole. It feels like you won’t escape, like the only way out is to go through with it. Self harm is hard, because for some people, like me in the past, its been a way of getting out your anger. There are other ways and there are plenty of services online and in person that can be accessed.
The amount of god awful rumours I’d come to school and hear about me was amazing, you all put so much effort into thinking about me, more than I ever thought about myself. I heard that I was pregnant (which literally would have been immaculate conception), that I had a crush on other peoples boyfriends (ah yes, why would I spend my time with my own boyfriend if I had a crush on someone else’s?), I’m sure there were more.
One of you I was even close with at a point in time, yet you managed to blow it all off and not take responsibility for your actions, and even had the guts to deny that what you were doing was bullying. The rumours were deplorable. Thanks for making it hard for me to make new friends.
On graduation day, you all got my boyfriend to take a photo with you and purposely excluded me, you didn’t even hide it. You made me feel so small, that if I had of attempted suicide again it wouldn’t have even mattered. You can’t make people feel like that. You just can’t. The only time I stood up for myself, you went off crying to all the others, and made them have a go at my boyfriend instead of confronting me.
At the time, I didn’t think that I’d ever be okay again, that I wouldn’t be able to go a day without thinking about it or even leave my house. But look at me go! I am okay, and I do leave my house. From time to time, it still does affect me, but the key is getting help when these things arise and not let it seep in totally.
I just want you to know that, despite all of the injustices you put me through and the lack of remorse of even doing some of the horrible things you did; I came out on top. I became who I always wanted to be, I learnt who my real friends are, I get to spend my life with the boy of my dreams, I learnt what to find in new friends, I learnt that a lot of people suffer mental illnesses without going to get help which leads me to the path I’m taking in life and my career choice, I learnt that you can’t take shit from people, I learnt to forgive people without them apologizing, I learnt how to be me, I learnt that my life does matter. And most of all, I learnt how to cut people off and block people on social media without feeling guilty. I learnt to love me, and not allow myself to be treated as such.
This isn’t supposed to create anything, this was just a long time coming. This is to not only prove to myself that I am capable of anything, but this is to spread awareness for all the injustice other people go through, the amount of people who commit suicide over these things, the amount of people who don’t stand up for us when we can’t. For the people who don’t think they will ever be happy again, for the people who question their self worth.
Bullying is serious, it ruins lives of the victims and their families. It’s also against the law. Spread awareness, get the word out, and help the people around you. Everything will be okay in time, people can just be heartless and cruel. Don’t let it define what the future has for you, better things await.
Shout out to HeadSpace for helping me along my journey of getting better and learning how to cope with situations, thoughts and events.